Worst Movies Ever Made(Part 1)

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Zubby: Good evening people…

Terdoh: Tsup fellas?

Zubby: Today, my dear people, we are asking one very simple question.

Terdoh: “What is the worst movie you’ve ever watched?”

Zubby: Now calm down. I don’t think any group can come together and say “Movie XYZ is the worst movie ever”.

Terdoh: This thing about one man’s meat.

Zubby: So we’re just gonna ask for  a list of your top 10 worst movies of all time.

Terdoh: For obvious reasons, we’re gonna leave Nollywood out of it…

Zubby: We’re sorry….

Terdoh: Very sorry…

Zubby: But we really can’t sleep here.

Terdoh: Anyway, to kick it off, we have put together a small list of the worst movies we’ve ever seen.

Zubby: In no particular order…

Terdoh: We present to you the worst movies we’ve ever seen.

***

Sucker Punch

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Terdoh: Often described by critics as a beautiful looking mess and an optical feast, Zack Synder just decided to give us some piping hot shit in the name of a movie.

Zubby: The movie was a delight to the eyes…

Terdoh: And torture to the mind.

Zubby: Okay, quick rundown. So this chick is sent to a mental hospital by her abusive step father where her extremely imaginative mind (this is where you get to enjoy all the visual effects and all that) takes her away from the grey walls of the facility and into her own reality.

Terdoh: Some kain Charlie’s Angels meets Jumanji meets Inception type thing.

Zubby: The movie was just a beautiful art piece that lacked a tangible narrative core.

Terdoh: Felt like a bedtime story a drunk told his kids.

Zubby: I hope nobody paid money to see this movie.

***

Aang: The Last Airbender

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Terdoh: Oh God! This movie… 🙁

Zubby: Heavy on effects, light on meaning.

Terdoh: If you watch movies for the visuals, and solely to be entertained, then we have a winner.

Zubby: If you watch movies to get your mind stimulated, then we’re all very sorry right now.

Terdoh: I don’t know what’s worse; The fact that out of over 500 million Chinese youngsters on earth, they couldn’t find not three little Jackie Chans to play the roles of Aang, Katara and Sokka… They had to use Caucasian kids.

Zubby: Or the fact that they turned an awesome cartoon to a yawn fest?

Terdoh: I don’t even know.

Zubby: At least this time, they can’t blame the Chinese for terrible acting.

Terdoh: Don’t even waste your megabytes pirating this movie okay?

***

Green Lantern

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Zubby: LOL!

Terdoh: What’s so funny.

Zubby: Am I the only one who sees the irony in this movie?

Terdoh: Apparently so. Point it out.

Zubby: Well, for people who could create anything with their rings and minds, the entire Green Lantern squad couldn’t make a decent movie.

Terdoh: Wow.

Zubby: Yeah. Wow.

Terdoh: This movie is a powerful contender for the worst superhero movie made in recent times.

Zubby: I mean, didn’t they see what their Marvel mates were doing?

Terdoh: They better not mess up Man of Steel. They better not.

***

Conan the Barbarian

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Terdoh: Let’s try and give you a quick synopsis on the movie shall we?

Zubby: So the movie is about a man.

Terdoh: Named Conan.

Zubby: Who was a barbarian.

Terdoh: The end.

Zubby: Credits.

Terdoh: This movie sha…I don’t know how I finished it.

Zubby: You finished it?

Terdoh: Took me 11 months.

Zubby: An insult to the classic that was Arnold’s Conan the Barbarian.

Terdoh: This is not what he meant when he said he’ll be back.

Zubby: Wrong movie reference bro.

Terdoh: You get my point.

Zubby: This movie is for those who hate actual lines and are simply excited by grunts and the sight of blood.

Terdoh: In other words…real barbarians.

***

Resident Evil Retribution

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Terdoh: Someone please tell these people that the franchise is dead and buried.

Zubby: They aren’t listening bro.

Terdoh: Look, if you watch the movie, you would understand that it is better off as a video game.

Zubby: I think Milla Jovovich just does these movies because her kid brother is a huge fan of the Resident evil series.

Terdoh: There is no other logical explanation.

Zubby: The lines were abysmal.

Terdoh: The comebacks were even worse.

Zubby: Some Nollywood “Ah! You have shoot me. Now, I will die” type stuff.

Terdoh: I paid money to see this.

Zubby: I’m terribly sorry to hear that man…

Terdoh: What’s worse, there’s gonna be a sequel.

Zubby: Nobody is going to watch. Nobody.

Terdoh: Aren’t we done with the zombie movies? Don’t we have any better ideas? There are kids starving in Africa. Talk about that stuff.

Zubby: the movie is better with your eyes closed.

Terdoh: I could only agree less. I couldn’t possibly agree more.

***

Zubby: This post don dey too long sef.

Terdoh: We’ll just stop here and bring you the rest of the worst next week.

Zubby: Till next week then.

Terdoh: Bye yo!

Zubby: But do tell us, what is the worst movie you ever watched?