With sweaty palms, fast beating hearts, knocking knees and words muttered unclearly, the hosts sat backstage preparing for their premiere.
M.Y.: *thinking out loud* Damn guys, am I sure I’m ready for this? I think we should just close the show…
Kiki: *interrupting* “Err? Helllo?? M.Y..err..close WHAT exactly? Close the show? Even before it starts? You’ve got to be kidding me! I did not make this hair for nothing oh! Aight dude, quit acting like some nervous bride-to-be. Remember this was your idea? You can’t just back put now. Sheesh! Its like you’re not even hearing me speak. Terdoo! Zubby! A lil’ help here, pleeease!”
Zubby: I know what you’re feeling like right now M.Y., but I’m too damn sure you’re kidding about us closing the show. I mean, I haven’t even gotten on camera with this suit. Jokes aside, we’ve got an audience waiting for us, and yearning for some good ish out there. And we’ve got a show to put up for them All these things in store and you want to back out? We have to impress them. It’s the least we can do. By the way, where is Terdoh?
Terdoh: *rushes in* Sorry I’m late guys.
M.Y.: What’s your excuse?
Terdoh: I’ll think of one after the show. In the meantime, dude outside just told me you’re getting cold feet. What are you doing? Ice skating? Are you walking barefooted in the North Pole? This isn’t just about us, I mean, we’re here to thrill the readers of a bloody blog, it’s not like we’re about to get on Oprah or anything, although that will be nice. We all love movies and we’ve simply decided to make a blog solely dedicated to reviewing them.
Zubby: He’s right.
TBH: *stumbles in* Apologies, it was a rough night. Had a drinking contest with a bottle of gin, it won.
ALL: *synchronised eye rolling*
Terdoh: Where was I? Ah yes! Thank you!
Kiki: Preach Terdoh!
TBH: *Shakes tambourine*
Terdoh: Amen. Pass the offering basket.
M.Y.: Seriously guys, don’t you even think for a minute that we won’t be able to pull this off?
Terdoh: Haha! Please stop joking. There are many wack blogs out there. We’ll fit right in. Besides, how many Nigerian blogs are dedicated to reviewing movies?
M.Y.: Not too many as far as I’m concerned.
Zubby: See? No competition.
M.Y.: So you really think we can pull this off?
Zubby, TBH, Terdoh and Kiki: Positive man. [Terdoh: As long as we avoid grammatical errors, we should be fine]
*Crew member comes back stage* “1 minute guys. The crowd is waiting”
M.Y.: Awesome. Okay guys. Let’s get on stage. *Turns to Terdoh* I know you like the spotlight. Let me do the talking okay?
Terdoh: *wrinkles nose*
TBH: Oh my God, I think I’m going to faint.
*Hosts get on stage* *crowd goes wild* *people throwing underwear on stage n’ shit* *Hosts wave and get seated except for M.Y who addresses the crowd*
M.Y.: Good day to you all. I’m sure by now you have an idea why we have brought you here today. It’s simple; we watch the movies so you (don’t) have to. We’ve got a couple of functioning cinemas so we’re not new to movies, but instead of relying on word of mouth, or twitter feed, you can always come to us and we will tell you exactly what you should know about the movie, without dropping spoilers or ruining the experience for you guys.
With an infusion of humor, wit, and unbiased opinions on the issue, we will bring you absolutely fantastic reviews on the movies that are making waves in the Box office and on the local scene.
Wait, do we have a Box Office in Nigeria?
Anyway, we’re making sure that when you go to the cinema to watch a movie, you don’t come out feeling like you need to go to the counter and demand a refund for damages to your soul.
As we go on, you can suggest the movies you want us to review and trust that we will make it happen by popular demand. Also, you might wanna stick around for some exclusives we will be bringing you. We’ll be posting fortnightly and our postings are centered round the script/story, the directing and the acting.
One more thing guys, we have a specially designed system for rating movies we review here, yeah I know we are taking this seriously like Google takes their doodles. They are 5 different rating stages, from the least to the best a movie could ever be.
The rating levels are;
The only reason you would get this rating is that we acknowledge that your movie was created and released. Why am I being nice sef, it means your movie is Shit!, Crap!, Nonsense! Rubbish…well you get it right? Good let’s move on
Popcorn and Water:
Well so you put together a crew; probably had a good makeup artist, or music composer and one good actor (just one), though not a good director or scriptwriters, you can’t have guys in that category and produce this kind of a movie… Well that’s why we add some water to the popcorn for you so you don’t suffocate. You still made a hell of a crappy movie though.
Popcorn and Hotdog:
Okay you made an okay movie, but there was just something missing. Probably the cast wasn’t well picked or the story wasn’t well written or something. Some things were just not right sha. It was just hard to swallow. We would like to encourage you to put in more effort by giving you popcorn and hotdog. You try sha. At least it was spicy.
Popcorn and Soda
Well well well, I guess we finally climaxed right…SIGH…This is what you get when everything is just properly made. I need not say much. It’s the kind of movie you go to the cinemas and wait at the exit to see people’s reactions when they are coming out, and you see smiling faces, mouths that won’t just shut up and a few hyper active wiz looking kids acting some scenes with some terrible skills (Ozone goers know what I mean.)
Popcorn, Soda and Hotdog
Once every year, there is that one movie that stands out above all other movies. He is the alpha male, the Private Ryan that needs no saving, the Black Hawk that never goes down, the Redeemed Shawshank…You can hardly play with the big boys here, but if you deserve it, believe me, we will give this to you gladly.
There you have ‘em. There’s a reason there’s a comment section though, especially if you don’t agree with us. Hehe… I personally look forward to the banter.
So to you all, I say welcome to our blog; Sodas and Popcorn. Remember the name! Tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend to tell a friend until the friend comes back to tell you what their friend said. This is only the beginning.