[Movie Review] Wolverine

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5

Terdoh: *sigh*

M.Y: *sigh*

Terdoh: *double sigh*

M.Y: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our The Wolverine review.

Terdoh: *sigh*

M.Y: In all my years of hurrying to the cinemas to see a newly released movie, I have never seen such crowd for one movie. Sold out twice. *sigh*

Terdoh: We’ve turned this review to a sigh fest.

M.Y: I was starting to think Hugh Jackman was present at the movie screenings himself. So having finally waited four years and 3 hours to see the long awaited Wolverine movie(a supposed apology for Origins), here is what I think.

Terdoh: Before we begin, the first Wolverine movie was probably the worst in the X Men franchise when it was created, and even though they gave us X Men First Class to make up for it, we still hadn’t forgiven them.

M.Y: Then they decided to go for a wider audience with this new Wolverine movie and made what was arguably the worst super hero movie ever made. Yes, that includes movies like Green Lantern and Spiderman 3.

Terdoh: You know what the best part of this movie was?

M.Y: The trailer?

Terdoh: Yes. But let’s not ruin it for you guys so soon. Let us begin.

Disclaimer: This post is like a tin of sardines with bacteria in it. It may contain spoilers. But that never stopped you guys from reading, did it? You love spoilers. Don’t lie. Besides, it’s a shit movie anyway, you’re not missing anything. Might as well end the review  here.

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Synopsis

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Terdoh: Wolverine kicks off where the Xmen Last Stand ends. Logan is pretty much still devastated about killing Jean and has become a caveman, wondering in the woods and having a bear as his best and only pal. Oh yeah, he grows a long ass beard and looks a lot like a bum, but it’s cool, he’s Wolverine.

M.Y: He is finally tracked down by a Japanese lady who says her dying employer wants to bid Logan farewell for the favor Logan did him during the world war. And thus the adventure began…

Terdoh: M.Y is so boring, Jesus. “And thus the adventure began”, what is this? The Three Musketeers?

M.Y: Okay. Na so story start. (Better?)

Terdoh: Yes.

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The Script

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Terdoh: Let’s cut to the chase. I didn’t like the script or the movie. Not one bit. The movie was extremely flat in my opinion and that can only bring up one big question. Who wrote this script?

M.Y: My money is on Britney Spears. Or one of the Spice Girls.

Terdoh: I’m actually prone to thinking someone in Nollywood is responsible for this. Oh yeah it has to be Obi Emenloye. Just…wow. Well done Obi.

M.Y: Some Nollywood movies I’ve watched had better scripts.

Terdoh: You guys ruined the Wolverine character for me.

M.Y: *Us.

Terdoh: You should be ashamed of yourselves Marvel. For letting this shit fly.

M.Y: Well done guys. For ruining a poor boy’s dream of getting a decent Wolverine movie in his life time… I can only hope for a reboot.

Terdoh: ANOTHER reboot?

M.Y: Yeah, the movie has a pretty decent start anyways and pretty much it’s a descent from there onward. Wolverine Origins in my opinion was way better. This movie here was just an unwanted biopic of a Japanese mogul. Which isn’t what I want to see in a Wolverine movie…

Terdoh: The length of time they spent having the one line mumbled and poorly written dialogues was just too much. And are we even going to talk about the fight scenes? Sigh. Such crap.

M.Y: Like can the camera man hold the damn camera steady?

Terdoh:  I mean, the much promoted train fight was cool, yeah really cool, but that’s about it in the movie. Everything else was trash. If you have seen all the trailers, you have seen all the fight scenes so really, just go back and watch the trailers with some popcorn.

M.Y: For the full cinema experience.

Terdoh: Meanwhile, there were like ZERO cool powers in this movie. Like there was nobody I looked at and went “damn, those are awesome powers”.

M.Y: And then they really took away Wolverine’s healing powers like that’s not why we came to see the movie.

Terdoh: The entire movie even started looking confusing at some point.

M.Y: Spoiler alert: What did Viper stick down Maiko’s neck? Cus it was never refered to again.

Terdoh: I think she simply put her to sleep. What I don’t understand is why the ninja claiming “we belong together” allowed her to stab his ‘soulmate’ in the neck and just stood by watching it knowing how poisonous Viper can be.

M.Y: Why was the ninja boy so confused in choosing who to fight for?

Terdoh: Or with…

M.Y: Where did Maiko have the strength to push a 9 foot tall adamantium made robot over? If the writers didn’t know, the potrayal of that action at that point was like she had mutant powers she was hiding all along or something. Which was not true.

Terdoh: Unless Silverbird gave us a different Wolverine from the rest of the world, which they have been hyping, I would say movie lovers are confused.

M.Y:  If they think white house down is a bad movie and wolverine is awesome. Then, it’s just ridiculous.

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The Directing

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M.Y: Well, who asked you to make this movie in 3D. What did we need to see in 3D? It’s not like the movie was packed with such awesome action scenes with depth. They were just normal punch-me-I-punch-you-back kinda fight scenes so 3D was just a total waste of money and time.

Terdoh: For those of you that watched it in 3D, sorry yo.

M.Y: For me, the directing was…I dunno. Sub par? The graphics were standard, the camera effects weren’t at all bad, but a bad script means a bad movie.

Terdoh: *sigh* I don’t know what to do with this movie.

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The Acting

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M.Y: Well, the actors were good I must say.

Terdoh: To you. Wolverine’s bodyguard was a complete mess. The Japanese can’t act for shit. They should stick to teaching Kung Fu and making domestic robots please.

M.Y: Hugh Jackman was okay. There’s only so much your acting can do to save a doomed story. They had horrible one liners for starters and then emotions were tried to be forced on the audience.

Terdoh: Emotions which weren’t properly built.

M.Y: Spoiler Alert: For example, there was that part where Wolverine legitimately came back from the dead, to block a strike from this Japanese dude and then he goes “don’t hurt my friends”.

Terdoh: You won’t understand how bleh this line is until you see it for yourself. I mean, we’re coming from a long line of movies in the Marvel franchise with amazing One Liners… (cue: Avengers) and you come and do this? At least have dope comebacks.

M.Y: It was on some “I’m going to kill you” “Me?” “You” “Oya come and kill me” type shit.

Terdoh: I felt bad for all the popcorn I ate with all that distaste in my mouth.

M.Y: The best parts of the movie for me were the Mid Credit scene and the train top scene where wolverine tricks a guy.

Terdoh: Guys, don’t leave until you see the after scene. DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT SEEING THE SCENE AFTER THE CREDITS! I was screaming in the movie hall.

M.Y: Don’t say we didn’t tell you.

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The Verdict

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M.Y: Well. There you have it. Wolverine review… A review I wasn’t looking forward to. Who ever thought wolverine will fall under the category of a dissatthon?

Terdoh: But then, it is what it is. Marvel did give us a horrible apology for Wolverine Origins and this isn’t accepted. I won’t recommend it for you. So just save your money (if you will listen).

M.Y: It gets a traffic popcorn from me guys. Definitely one of the worst movies of the year… We were expecting way more. *bursts into tears*