‘We watch the movies so you (DON’T) have to’
Zubby: Yeah good people, that’s what we do. For today’s review please note “reader’s discretion is strongly advised”
Kiki: Family, friends, well-wishers and our fellow Nigerians, behold our Sodas and Popcorn slogan comes to life in this epic review of…‘My Life My Damage’
*sigh* 50 minutes of pain!! *kneels and bursts into tears* The lady at the cinema ticket counter probably felt bad for me.
Zubby: Uche Jumbo and Tonto Dikeh this is all your fault.
Kiki: *dries tears* Chop chop! No time to waste on this one. Let’s review this playlet.
Zubby: More like ‘damage’ this playlet.
Zubby: “My Life, My Damage” is basically about a young Nigerian girl Dora who travels to US to further her education and live the “American dream”. But soon after her arrival, gets caught up in the nasty web of bad friends who lead her down a path of drug abuse, drinking and further away from her dreams.
Kiki: It hurts the more when you know what you’re getting yourself into. I mean, I had heard quite an earful of what this movie didn’t have to offer and yet I went into the lions’ den. Unfortunately, the aftermath was far from that of Daniel’s experience.
Zubby: What is beyond me is how the movie failed to deliver in every way imaginable.
Kiki: Oga Moses, what exactly did you do here??
From the first scene I was gobsmacked. The sound quality…bleh. The lightnings…bleh bleh. The narrative concept…bleh bleh bleh.
Zubby: The directing was sooooo poor. People tend to believe that just because a movie was shot outside the shores of this country its supposed to be accepted as being good. *tufiakwa*
Kiki: There was actually a point in the movie were you could hear papers being squeezed, I guess that was the script being tossed out the window.
Zubby: And burnt in the incinerator…
Kiki: Like I said before, it ran for 50mins. (yes, 50minutes!)
Zubby: Was it 50 mins or 1 hour?
Kiki: 50 mins bro! I set my timer. The movie would have you playing the guessing game. And I don’t mean that in a good way, like what the names of key characters were, scenes that ordinarily should not have been included but for one reason or the other were not erased.
Zubby: Spot on sis. What amazed me the most was how she miraculously contacted HIV. This was one of the defining moments of the movie but Uche Jombo obviously forgot to provide any build up to that event.
Kiki: Like out of nowhere ‘tada!’…she has HIV.
Zubby: Dear scriptwriter, even a first year student of a film school can write a better script than what you did.
Kiki: It certainly had no solid base to it, like some kids running around a playground in no apparent direction. That’s probably how the script was developed…scribbled on some scraps of paper. ‘African dream…African dream’ that’s all I remember that was said.
Zubby: Since ‘Aunty Uche’ and her crew decided to render us a ‘short play’ there’s no need for us to beat around the bush innit? In summary, the script was crap. NEXT!
Zubby: Kiki, Tonto can’t act oo!
Kiki: All in favor of a Nollywood Boot Camp say ‘I’!
Kiki: *handing over the enrollment form to Tonto* You need it darling.
Zubby: Tonto obviously jumped on set and started free styling for us. I mean her acting was all over the place, messy to say the least.
Kiki: Oh well, the only ‘actress’ that actually did ‘act’ was Dani Palmer (no, she’s not Nigerian). Then Bukky Wright flashed on the screen like err…3 times.
Zubby: Even that couldn’t save the movie from looking like a high school drama class project.
Kiki: And there you have it…a cast so sour lime tastes like orange.
Zubby: I’ll love to say there was a silver lining to this dark cloud but there isn’t. This movie failed in entertaining its audience or passing across its core message which is…erm Kiki, can u remember the message this movie tried to pass?
Zubby: Yep, that’s what I thought.
Kiki: Abeg abeg, no time. Na Traffic Popcorn. Otito…e don do. (For our international readers *grins* that simply means ‘It has finished…it’s enough)
WARNING [icon name=”icon-warning-sign”]: Going to see this film isn’t worth your money, time or energy!