Directed by: Robert Rodriguez (Desperado, Spy Kids, Sin City)
Written by: Kyle Ward
Principal actors: Danny Trejo(Spy Kids, xXx, Desperado), Mel Gibson(Braveheart, The Passion of the Christ, Get the Gringo), Amber Heard(The Rum Diary, Drive Angry, Never Back Down),
Have you ever had someone tell you at the beginning of the movie that this is a shitty movie, and then the movie goes ahead to be shitty, but you can’t complain because you were warned from the very start but it turns out to be ridiculously outrageous, funny and at the same time annoying?
Enter Machete Kills.
*dodgy Quentin Tarantino soundtrack*
I honestly don’t know how I feel about this movie. I know I should be mad but I’m not.
So there’s this dude named Machete who for some inexplicable reason cannot die. And well, he kills people. Hence the name Machete Kills (can you feel me rolling my eyes?) The US government recruits Machete for a secret mission to take out some Mexican terrorist and cartel killing psycho who wants to launch a missile to destroy the world(as we all know, The United States Of A) or some of that world domination/destruction crap all the villains in all the movies seem to have.
I really should be mad at the movie, but I can’t be. I’ll tell you why.
I don’t know. We were given fore-warning. “Hey, this is a terrible movie. Don’t get mad at me. Besides, tickets are non refundable. Sorry” type warning. So don’t complain. The plot holes in the movie were gaping; kind of like the movie “Men Who Stare at Goats” so you know the purpose is strictly for jokes and not to boggle your minds on some Christopher Nolan swag. Nope!!!
I really want to commend the director Robert Rodriguez for the “Machete Kills Again…in Space” mock trailer. Completely hilarious. And then the ensemble he put together was just…amazing. But we’ll get to that.
Also, little things like “Put on your 3D Glasses” just before a ‘sex scene’ when the movie is a 2D movie are simply brilliant. Not saying the movie was brilliant, but the director was.
Oh, and Robert Rodriguez, we know you’ve been having too many drinks with Tarantino. His influence is everywhere in this movie. But I digress…
Terrible. Just terrible.
You guys almost made me cry with the number of “Are you freaking kidding me?” moments I had while watching this amazing shit go down. From the outrageous methods Machete used to kill people to the plot holes to some of the corniest lines in history.
We were switching villains faster than Kim Kardashian switched husbands and I still have no idea who the actual bad guy in the movie was because everyone seemed to be trying to kill everyone else.
Also, we can deduce that Machete doesn’t shower. Because 3 days after he was still smelling of p…you know what? Watch the movie.
Then again, don’t.
Okay, so the movie boasts of the following cast apart from those already mentioned above:
Sofia Vergara. (Hey boo.)
Carlos Estevez (Charlie Sheen for you non-movie lovers)
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Leonardo DiCaprio (may or may not be him, we don’t know. He was wearing a mask)
And last but not least: Lady Gaga.
Yes, Lady Gaga.
I don’t know about you guys, but it takes a freaking genius to put together a cast like this and still make a shitty movie. All hail Rodigruez. He’s got rare talent.
But this right here is why I don’t hate the movie. It has Sofia Vergara (come back to me baby. I love you… We can get married and have kids. I’ll even allow you give them Spanish names) and Charlie Sheen in it. I can’t hate the movie. Trust me, I tried. And the movie is terrible. But I loved it.
Those actors were amazing. But you know good actors can only do much with a terrible (albeit hilarious) script.
Like I said, the movie is terrible. But I loved it nonetheless. So it gets a Popcorn and Hotdog from me because it was a really hard pill to swallow and I had to use draw soup (I’m terribly sorry for the image I just painted).
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