Terdoh: Hey guys! Yeah. It’s your Thursday Special, and we have decided to bring you a little movie review in our own special way.
M.Y.: Yeah, this isn’t the normal stuff. We’ll be asking a very special question today guys.
Terdoh: We would like to know; should the last flight to Abuja have taken off?
Director: Obi Emelonye [The Mirror Boy]
Writer: Tunde Babalola [Critical Assignment]
Stars: Omotola Jalade-Ekeinde, Hakeem Kae-Kazim and Jim Iyke.
Terdoh: Not like we’re trying to spoil the movie for you, but we’re just nice guys so we’re not gonna go “Go and watch the movie jor! Cheapskate”
M.Y: Because you shouldn’t.
Terdoh: Wait na. Give them the synopsis first…
M.Y.: A set of everyday Nigerian travelers board the last Flamingo Airways flight scheduled to fly from Lagos to Abuja on a fateful Friday night in 2006. 30,000 ft above sea level, out of a mixture of human error, technical failure and sheer bad luck, the plane rapidly develops major difficulties that sends it teetering on the brink of disaster. As the pilots fight with the controls of the stricken plane, a series of flashbacks unravel the twists, turns and leaps of fate that put each passenger on the fateful flight. Young lovers, an elderly couple, a corporate party, a sportsman on the threshold of greatness; all the passengers are caught up in the nightmare scenario and sense the final moments of their lives approach. All… except one! What does he know?
Terdoh: That Jim Irk can’t act?
M.Y.: No jor! Quiet. I’m telling a story here.
M.Y.: So it was the love of my life’s birthday. I hadn’t seen her for a while and I really wanted us to have a special time together. Part of the long list of plans was to take her to see the then newly released and much talked about “Last Flight to Abuja”….what a mistake. When the movie ended, everyone on my row went numb for a minute before I angrily stood up and told my babe “baby let’s go!”
Terdoh: Before we go on, I will love to make this clear. We love Nollywood that is why we are doing this. We will not keep quiet until Nollywood starts making movies that meet up to expectations.
M.Y.: The Bible says spare the rod and spoil the child.
Terdoh: Urh M.Y bible no talk that one o…
M.Y: Oops, sorry about that. Anyways!
Terdoh: Preach on bruv!
M.Y.: Yes! Our diss posts are gonna be harsh and ruthless so our subjects can learn from their mistakes that have cost people (like me, 3k!) serious money.
Terdoh: Hope we are clear about that. Just putting it out there… No hard feelings. So let’s get this started. *mischievious grin*
M.Y.: So what exactly went wrong?
Terdoh: Where do we start? The movie was Vantage Point with everything that could go wrong.
M.Y.: I loved Vantage Point. I mean, that is how to tell a story, everyone tells it from his own point of view, nothing like “dem say”. So when I started L.F.T.A and started seeing some resemblances I was like damn! Dis would be a mad movie.
Terdoh: But in the bid to ‘Nolanize’ this movie, did poor Obi confuse himself or what? He lost it somewhere in the movie I can’t even remember. Things just fell apart. I mean, Chinua Achebe would not even be proud.
M.Y.: Yeah. Something just went wrong somewhere. Almost like the plot just got up and left the movie.
Terdoh: There was a plot? Stop this…
M.Y.: like the synopsis said up there, they all board the flight on that fateful day for different reasons. The beginning of this movie was beautiful. Tunde Babalola started telling a beautiful story, I loved how it started, how they started telling everyone’s stories, but along the line, it hurriedly started changing,
Terdoh: It seemed more like Tunde got a tip from some unreliable source saying “oga another person wan make film about plane crash oh, make you do sharp sharp finish your own”. I guess he took the advice and the script went downhill.
M.Y.: Unneccesary scenes started popping up.
Terdoh: How did a car battery get on the flight?
M.Y.: How did the car battery start the fire?
Terdoh: What was the essence of the scene of the engineer who was servicing the plane and his boss came to check up on him?
M.Y.: Who was the 64 year old corper?
Terdoh: What was that awful plane crash at the end?
M.Y.: What was that explosion Jimmy ‘Neutron’ Iyke almost got lost in?
Terdoh: Why did Jide Kosoko have to say “meeting adjoined” instead of “meeting adjourned”?
M.Y.: Why was the sky on fire when the plane was about to crash? Was the sky crashing too?
Terdoh: And most of all what were those glasses Jimmy was wearing for Christ’s sake?!
M.Y.: It was a rushed script. Plot holes plot holes and just more plot holes.
Terdoh: Looking like a Nigerian road.
Terdoh: Sorry man.
Terdoh: Hakeem Kae-Kazim put up a good performance. He made his switches from good to bad very easily. He was the best act in the movie.
M.Y.: Jide Kosoko?
Terdoh: He was okay sha, didn’t really have much to do.
M.Y.: True. What of Omotola?
M.Y.: Jim Iyke?
Terdoh: Are you deliberately looking for my trouble M.Y.?
M.Y.: There you have it, even actors sef no try…smh
Terdoh: I have come to the personal conclusion that new acts are now the best in Nollywood. Some of the old acts act like they have nothing to lose and we’ll watch them no matter what. And it is extremely irksome.
M.Y.: I never got a chance to see Mirror Boy, but it seemed to have been a good one, so why will you do this Obi? Why will you pick such a poorly written script and make a movie out of it.
Terdoh: It lacked continuity, the special effects were… well, I wouldn’t call them special effects. High school projects maybe? The acting could have been better…I think he should remake that movie as a gift to Nigerians for the terrible wrong he has done to us and give free tickets to come view it.
M.Y.: You get no rating from us, but what we can give is advice. Please review your scripts well before making a movie. I believe you are a good director but just probably not paying attention to details. Another piece of advice is this, if you want to create special effects, don’t give your audience a half baked job because we are Nigerians and we will hardly say anything or because of the legendary excuse, ‘funds were limited’. Robert Rodriguez best known as “the legend of independent, ultra-low budget filmmaking” according to imdb; made acclaimed movies such as “from dusk till dawn” and “desperado”. The ghanian industry we trained is starting to surpass us, it’s not funny anymore.
Terdoh: Like I always say, the Nollywood audience is split into two; there’s the kind that has seen so much mediocrity that anything above average is a good movie, and there’s the kind that’s used to the Hollywood/Bollywood standard and won’t be impressed by your Microsoft PowerPoint prowess. Step up the standard and we will be sure to praise you if we are impressed. Keep coming at this level and no one will be convinced to see your movie more than once.
M.Y.: See you guys on Sunday. *sips soda water*