Movie Review: Fifty Shades of Nay: The Twilight effect! By Isys Drain

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What on earth were they thinking? I do believe the much awaited film ‘Fifty shades of Grey’ is an absolute disappointment, so much that it has delivered me of writers block long enough for me to express my annoyance after wasting almost two hours of my life, watching it with one blocked ear! If you haven’t read the book, please let me enlighten you. Fifty Shades of Grey is this ridiculously popular book about Anastasia Steele, a naïve virgin who falls in love with a drop-dead gorgeous 27 year old business tycoon, who has ‘singular sexual preferences’. No, that doesn’t mean he’s gay, it means he’s a Dominant. So, of course the book is raunchy as hell and celebrates BDSM, which is Bondage-Discipline-Sadism and Masochism, in case you were wondering.

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Image courtesy of www.mstarz.com

Let me take a deep breath *breathes in, then out*  The Cast When casting for a movie that happens to be an adaptation, one has to pay attention to detail and stay true to the elements that makes it a good story. Critical as I am of EL James writing skills, the one thing I give her credit for is her extremely descriptive style that leaves very little to the imagination. Did Sam Taylor-Johnson read the book at all?

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Jamie Dornan as Christain Grey

Christian Grey is supposed to look like a Greek god not like Klaus and Carolyn’s (Vampire Diaries) love child! Dakota wasn’t too bad as Anastasia but that role had Kristen Stewart written all over it and I am not crediting the director for considering her! Grey is also supposed to be intense and intimidating, not smiley and obtuse. For someone who had considered casting Robert Pattison for the role, you would have thought he had studied Edward Cullen well enough in twilight or maybe even Harvey Specter of Suits, wait , wait or Ian Somerholder. Now that I think about it, Keanu Reeves or Christian Bale would’ve made the perfect Christian Grey, they wreak of intensity and barely even have facial expressions which would’ve been perfect! In short, can I direct the remake? There was no chemistry between Dakota and Jamie, they just seemed uncomfortable and almost awkward throughout the entire film.

Dakota JOhnson 50 shades of grey
Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele

And did anyone miss the memo about how Kate Kavanaugh was supposed to be this hot rich kid with strawberry blonde hair? Or that Mia (Grey’s sister) was a curvaceous, spoiled redhead? I was thinking more Blake Lively or Kate Upton to play Kate, I don’t get it. Is plain the new hot? Oh,  plus whoever thought that short Cleopatra hairdo was the best way to express Mia’s (Rita Ora) sophistication must have had too much to drink. The poor thing looked like an understudy for one of the go-go girls in Gatsby: The movie. The Plot Sam Taylor Johnson (the director) is obviously a twilight fan because the scenes that involved Anastasia and her family were way too similar to those of Bella and hers in twilight. The same goes for the dinner scene with the Grey’s, I was half expecting to see the Cullen’s at the dinner table. I am sure she just referenced twilight and the relationship between Bella and Edward for this movie and I understand why, but she did an awful job of portraying it. 50 shades of grey dakota and jamie In a bid to stick as closely to the book’s plot as possible, the director exercised little or no creativity whatsoever and downplayed every single moment that made the book special, leaving the movie with no suspense or excitement. Even the sex scenes were bland! To the pervs caught ‘helping themselves’ while watching the movie, you obviously haven’t gone beyond second base in while. Every scene seemed short, empty and uneventful, like a film school undergraduate’s first attempt at a bad movie. To be honest, I do not understand why the movie is rated 18. It was pretty mild, I don’t get what the fuss is about. All the petitions signed to stop the movie from being released were just a waste of time. Besides, why aren’t these petitioners fighting for porn sites to be closed down? #JustSaying Did I also mention, that there was so little dialogue in the movie. I could’ve sworn I was watching a silent film? In the director’s defense, the sub-plot of the book was very shaky and held very little water, leaving the heavy sexual tone of the story to provide the substance that made the book worth reading. Translating that into film would require a lot of creativity to ensure the movie isn’t empty and uneventful. Screw that, isn’t that why we have re-writes and editing? *mschew*

Sam Taylor Johnson
Director, Sam Taylor Johnson. Image courtesy of www.mirror.co.uk

The Music This was the only highlight of the movie for me. The music was fantastic. I had to download the entire album, heck if the movie was half as sultry as the music it probably would’ve been a major hit for me. Anyway, Beyoncé murdered me with the new mix of ‘’Crazy in Love’ and I stilled haven’t gotten over ‘Haunted’, ‘’Earned It’ and ‘I put a Spell on You’’. The right kind of music for a movie that was supposed to make your insides melt like butter in heat *winks* In conclusion the movie was a complete failure in my eyes. I insist that it be renamed Twilight – the Vampireless Spoof! I would also advise that the movie be redone and directed by Michael Christopher who directed the movie ‘’Original Sin’’. He would give that movie the ‘’umph’’ it so desperately needs. So Fifty shades of grey had me protesting Fifty shades of Nay, I do not look forward to the sequel!   From Sodas&Popcorn HQ, Fifty Shades Of Grey is rated a Traffic Popcorn. Sodas-Popcorn-Rating1   Review written by a very Underwhelmed Isys Drain!