Hello beautiful people. It’s another beautiful Thursday, so you are definitely expecting some good ish from us right?
Well, we don’t have good shit for you today.
We got something different and kinda special we’re treating today, because we love Nollywood. Kiki shared a list of their movie mistakes with the crew and because we are just so nice and patriotic, we are here to defend and give the most reasonable explanations for the mistakes
Oh, I got Sirkastiq of TSC here with me to do this today.
NOLLYWOOD SAGA BEGINS….
Mistake One: Nollywood is a place where village girl that never went to school speaks fluent English.
Sirkastiq: You really think Genevieve will lower her diction for your stupid role? No ooo, it’s an entire package.
Terdoh: You can’t have the vice president looking at his side chick on the screen and re-considering his standards. She gotta be prim and proper.
Sirkastiq: Idiot, it’s the former V.P’s chick, or have we confirmed she is doing that one too?
Terdoh: Not yet yo. We wait for the Aunty Linda scoop.
Mistake Two: A woman barges into her husband with another woman in a hotel room. Who gave her the key?
Sirkastiq: Damn! And then the wife goes ‘Fred, no, no, Fred tell me it is not true’
Terdoh: And then the Husband goes ‘baby, it’s not what it looks like’
Sirkastiq: LOL! Funny because the door is never even locked.
Terdoh: Obviously, the man and the mistress were too pre-occupied with nacking that they forgot to lock the door.
Sirkastiq: And the hotel attendant is always the woman’s relative. Or friend. Or some shit.
Mistake Three: Chief is inside the car with the windows wound-up, armed robbers attack and shot at chief, the bullet won’t break the glass but will kill chief inside the car.
Terdoh: “Are. You. Really. Going. To. Break. My. Glass? Don’t be stupid.” – Person they borrowed the car from…
Sirkastiq: You guys don’t even know how much AC gas and fuel is these days, You think the owner of the car appreciates his gas escaping? What they’re showing us is how to die in cold blood. Not break glass. Let’s not lose focus guys
Mistake Four: A man shot himself in the head 3 times. WTF! How in the world is that possible?
Sirkastiq: And the ones that get shot by strangers must always have a bloody bandage on their heads with no brain damage.
Terdoh: Africans have stronghead. Literally. Especially Nigerians. And everybody knows you can’t die of one Nollywood bullet. They move in slow motion…
Mistake Five: RMD remembering when he was still 7 years old as far back as 1960 and suddenly HUMMER JEEP passes in front of him.
Terdoh: Flashbacks NEVER take you back in time. They just literally do something to the screen and replace you with a younger person on the same road with the same kiosk in the corner. 2 decades ago. Business must have been really good for the guy. Also, you can be dark skinned as a child, and completely light skinned as an adult. It’s a subtle commercial. Buy your bleaching cream here.
Sirkastiq: I think Terdoh said it all
Mistake Six: Patience Ozokwor poisons Nkem Owoh’s food. She stirs the poison so that it will circulate to all parts of the meal and then she tastes it. Nkem Owoh’s dies while she survives.
Sirkastiq: Long throat basically. You must understand that Mrs Ozokwor has that patience thing working for her, Mr Owoh on the other hand…have you seen his Adam’s apple? My God..
Terdoh: The poison was Patience’s saliva. Everyone knows this.
Sirkastiq: Sorry guys, we can’t bring out all the guns at once
Terdoh: That would spoil the fun won’t it?
Sirkastiq: So join us next week when we’ll be analysing better plot twists in Nollywood.
Terdoh: It’s not gonna be that great. Don’t be too hyped. Okay?
Sirkastiq: Yeah. Bye guys..